Sizing up

Parties that involve standing-only eating are great fun... but they come bearing challenges.

Can’t they serve cocktail bondas like they used to...?!

Like XXL starters, or ‘short eats’ that won’t stay...er... ‘short’.

Now, you always thought the term ‘bite-size’ refers to humans, since Jaws and T-Rex are rarely included in guest lists designed for elegant milieus.

Here you are, standing around in inappropriate footwear, trying to be all scintillating and sparkly – and failing miserably, judging from the trapped expressions around you.

So you help yourself gloomily to a chunk of something that drifts past on a tray.

You pop it in your mouth (with the additional hassle of manoeuvring food gingerly past lip-art), and find being boring is the least of your worries... you can no longer speak.

You chew desperately, trying to tame the beast, eyes popping, face flushed, trying to avoid choking.

Not easy; not nice.

The human face in full ‘eating mode’ is never a charming sight... which is why the wise always turn away or stare distantly, pretending they are thinking lofty, beautiful thoughts, when the video menace appears during wedding feasts.

So hosts, remember, size matters, and choose – between social success, with glittering conversational gambits flying to and fro....or grim silence while guests tackle hostile food.

Which includes crumbly-dribbly foods ... but that’s another story.