Help ‘help’

Impressive – these smart young companies, with their intimidating jargon, glossy brochures and smooth reeling in of customers.

“Before I can help you, please punch in the 25-digit PIN number followed by your date of birth in the reverse order, then wait for the beep, and press 9 followed by 3 to get your help options!”

And you succumb; you buy...and feel so great while studying that long list of helplines.

You love those helpline numbers ... ‘000 AAA 000’, etc.

Cute.

“Oh, look,” you prattle, like a particularly bone-headed, trusting child, “If you have a problem, a-all you have to do is ca-all, and they’ll be-ee there, yes they will, we’ve got a fri-end....”, (well, most 70s people would recognise that particular number, so un-raise your eyebrows, OK?).

Except they don’t.

Help, that is.

First – the ringing. On and on...like the planet suddenly emptied.

Or – the repeating tunes, that push you towards a hypnotic trance.

Then, The Voice – telling you to press different numbers for different problems. Except you, clueless about how to categorise your particular bit of trouble, miss your cue, and have to start all over again.

The Voice waits for no one, you see.

When you finally reach a human voice, it seems young, uncertain, and distinctly confused about its role.

No ‘Help’ so desperately in need of help can possibly help you.

Home Truth One: Gloss makes a poor substitute for training and efficiency.

Two: You fell for mere packaging – again!