Click here for more...

(ARCHIVE) Vol. XX No. 21, February 16-28, 2011
Short 'N' Snappy

Diving deep into drains

The Man from Madras Musings is of the view that drains in Chennai or, for that matter, anywhere in India are no easy businesses. There is our habit of treating them as all-purpose disposal chutes for one. Secondly, the department that is in charge is generally a few centuries behind its counterparts in other parts of the world, most notably Singapore which our city has been trying to emulate with remarkable lack of success.

A couple of years ago, a huge stink was raised, and rightfully so, on the subject of men actually having to go down into the drains to remove blockages. In MMM’s view there can be nothing more degrading than that. Apart from the indignity, there were health hazards too, not the least being the habit of most of these deep-drain-divers to intoxicate themselves to the maximum extent possible, mainly to render themselves insensitive to the contents of the drains. And so, that evil was removed, thanks once again, to the intervention of the Courts.

But drains continued to get clogged largely because we would not change our habits and persisted in pushing everything down drains – plastic covers, thermocol packing and other such insoluble items. With the option of sending men to the bowels (quite literally) of the earth now not available, the brains in our drains departments came up with a mechanised solution. And this contraption recently came to MMM’s notice.

In shape and size it is remarkably like any other vehicle owned by the department that is in charge of sewers. It is battered, shapeless and is in imminent danger of keeling over. In its rear it has a complicated system of pulleys, over which a hose is wound. While a normal vehicle needs a driver and perhaps at most a second-in-command, this comes with a full platoon of six people, including the driver and the second-in-command. Now, why is it so, you may ask. After all, in the old manual system you needed only four people – there was the man who did the diving, the second-in-command who kept the manhole cover open and ensured that no good Samaritan came forward and closed it when operations were in progress below, a third man who was in charge of the refreshments and a fourth who did nothing but bellow instructions down the abyss. MMM does not include in this tally the numerous hangers-on and curious onlookers who are dime-a-dozen in this land of ours.

The modus-operandi of the new system is like this: The vehicle sets out to unclog the drains at the busiest hour of the day. It parks itself just above the manhole which, being usually right in the middle of the road, ensures that traffic is thrown into complete chaos. Then emerge two godly beings (Men 1&2), whose job, like that of Moses, is to ensure that the traffic parts into two streams and keeps flowing. The driver (Man-3) remains in his cabin and conducts operations from there.

The vehicle, you must realise, remains on ignition right through, thereby consuming fuel and belching fumes, but we have become immune to such trivial things and so this does not perhaps matter. At the press of a button, pulley 1 begins rolling and the hose begins uncoiling itself. This activates Man-4 whose job is to roar at the driver and tell him exactly where things are going wrong, as they only do. The pulleys not being oiled, though they need oiling frequently, get stuck. Pulleys 2 & 3 are the chief culprits. Man-5 is employed for such contingencies and he climbs up and does adjustments.

He pushes the hose into the manhole and operation begins. This ends with the flooding of the neighbourhood. In between, MMM notices a fairly large crowd has collected to watch the human drama. Some of them give their own instructions and also sometimes express their contempt for the driver who is not able to press gadget C hard enough or shove pedal D sufficiently enough. Though they don’t say it, being men of decency, it is clear that if given a chance they would do even better. MMM always wonders what their own professions are and how they are faring if they prefer to spend their time watching drain operations. (For that matter what was MMM doing there?)

After a longish wait, it would appear, the work concludes or it must be assumed has concluded and the party moves on. But what about Man-6, you may ask. He is in charge of refreshments and he keeps them flowing. Man-4 in particular needs them as his job is to keep roaring, above the din of the traffic.

Season of weddings

It is that time of the year again, when The Man from Madras Musings is flooded with invitations to witness and wish the couples being united in holy acri... sorry matrimony. There are invitations and invitations but the ones that delight MMM are those that are out-of-the-ordinary, chiefly by way of daft poems, goofy and mushy paragraphs and the occasional printer’s devil. MMM’s card of the year is one that begins with this preamble –

“Sweetest will be the movement

Happiest will be the Occasion

Joyfull will be your presence of my Marriage”

MMM sincerely hopes that the proof-readers of Madras Musings don’t correct a single letter from the above. But even if they do, you get the idea. The word movement is the one that puzzles MMM the most. Are we invited to witness a wedding or the nuptials? And just in case you thought MMM made that up, he has preserved the card and this can be viewed on demand.

There are some thinkers who feel that Indian weddings are the biggest waste of time and money. While MMM agrees to the time bit, he is not so sure of the money side. After all, just think of the several essential aspects of our economy that are kept going by the simple expedient of conducting lavish weddings. Jewellers, silk saree weavers, caterers, wedding hall owners, event managers, singers, dancers, valet-parking services, priests… and then after an interval, income-tax sleuths, doctors (not looking at Chapter 2 but the immediate aftermath of over-indulging in the sweetmeats and fried foods), banks (loans and mortgages department)… the list is endless. Imagine if all these people were to be unemployed. Where would we be? The mind boggles. And so, long may the ‘movement’ continue.

But that weddings have been professionalised to a great extent was evident to MMM when on attending one, he found menucards being distributed to the assembled guests long before the couple was united in wedlock. Someone had understood why people attend weddings – food.

Tailpiece

A wag recently informed The Man from Madras Musings that social equality has been achieved in Madras that is Chennai. And what did he mean by that, MMM wondered. Was it justice for all, elimination of poverty and access to education? No, apparently not. He meant your daily needs, comfort goods and luxuries, all sold at the same price – onions, petrol and beer being sold at roughly the same price – Rs. 65 per individual unit of sale – kg, litre, etc. And on that happy note, let us see if the budget brings more such social equality.

– MMM


In this issue

Senate House to become a museum
Monstrous Stations – will Metro learn from
MRTS?
From Port Trust to Cambridge
Once bustling, Pulicat now dozes
The Institute of Mental Health –
its remarkable history
Other stories

Our Regulars

Short 'N' Snappy
a-Musing
Our Readers Write
Dates for your diary

Archives

Back to current issue...