Short Menace Service

The Man from Madras Musings was a witness to the whole thing and so you can take it as being the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. MMM was in the driveway of a commercial building parking his car when he noticed a man walking down the drive, his attention completely riveted to his cell phone, which had just indicated that he had received a message. In the process of reading and replying to it, the man did not notice a car coming up the drive. The driver’s attention was equally diverted to his own cell phone, through which he had just sent a message and was in the process of checking if he had a response.

The end result can be imagined. There was a screeching of wheels and the car came to a quick halt, narrowly missing the man who was walking and reading his messages. Which was all to the good, for if the car had not halted, the man’s life would have come to a complete halt. The two, driver and pedestrian, looked daggers at each other for a moment and then burst out laughing. It transpired that they were sending messages to each other all the while! What was forgotten in all this was the fact that there could have been a near fatality that was luckily avoided. In the end, it was MMM’s sang-froid that was affected.

There’s a divinity that shapes our ends, wrote the bard, but to continue with that quote, MMM has to say that cell phone users in our city rough-hew the process quite a bit. Guardian angels of our citizens must be having a full time job rescuing their wards from sticky ends caused by the cell phones.

That said, MMM has been spending quite a bit of time pondering over the various people who use cell phones while they are on the go. There is one variety that uses what is called the hands-free. The equipment here is of two kinds, one is a pair of headphones and the other is a small electronic gadget that is worn on the ear like an ornament and goes by the name of blue tooth, by which MMM does not mean a poisoned denture. Either way, be it headphone or blue tooth, it keeps the user’s ears eternally busy, though the hands may be free to do other things such as driving, and also sending messages. This variety of users gives us the impression of indulging in soliloquy, while they are in reality involved in a deep conversation, oblivious of everything else.

The next one is exclusive to the two-wheeler who is law-abiding to the extent of using a helmet. The shield for the skull is not so much used for protection as it is as a convenient receptacle for the cell phone, which snuggles up to the ear. That way conversation can be carried on merrily.

The last variety is the worst of the lot. Both car and two-wheeler users belong to this group. They keep the phone between the shoulder and the tilted head in order to carry on conversing. The head is ever at an angle so that the world is seen from new perspectives. As for the body, particularly if it is on a two-wheeler, it is at a completely opposite angle. What with the two-wheeler by itself leaning in a different angle, such people give us a full understanding of what Picasso was all about. The only positive in this is that the user cannot send messages. MMM is, however, quite sure that technology will soon find a way out.

Indo-Saracenic joke

The powers-that-be are focussing on one end of the alimentary canal, ladling out food of quality at throwaway prices. At least that is what The Man from Madras Musings understands from a casual read of the newspapers and a more careful perusal of posters, ­banners and graffiti. Incomparable giver is how the brain behind the scheme is being hailed.

Be that as it may, and more power to the scheme, what MMM cavils about is the lack of attention to the other end of the digestive process. Food is in plenty, but what of the er…waste process? The populace, having eaten its fill, needs to ease itself too. In the absence of suitable facilities for this, it chooses to do so in full public view. The process, the remains and the odours are not giving our city a good image. And MMM who, as his faithful readership knows, has to at times take overseas visitors around to showcase the metropolis, is at a loss for words.

The other day, MMM was wandering around the George Town area. The hour was early and that district was not yet its bustling self. MMM and a young friend were busy clicking away on a camera and at the same time were careful enough to see what lay on the roads and which could not be trod underfoot. Having thus roamed around, MMM and friend came across a particularly busy thoroughfare, crowded not with pedestrians, vehicles and vendors but with men and children going about what can only be termed as early morning ablutions. Some waved at MMM and friend, while others having decided that it was best not to be photographed covered their faces, leaving other nether regions exposed. It was MMM who had to shut his eyes.

MMM’s friend giggled and pointed at a building just behind the squatters. It was a free latrine. And yet not one of those on the road wanted to use it, such being its level of cleanliness. Obviously it had never been cleaned after inauguration.

It was a saddened MMM who walked along, focussing on the lovely Indo-Saracenic buildings that stood on either side. And then, at the rear of the General Post Office, MMM paused. He saw a set of human figurines carved on the wall. For some reason he had never observed them before. And then having looked carefully, MMM and companion broke out in smiles. These widened into grins and then peals of laughter, much to the surprise of the few passersby.

Robert Fellowes Chisholm, the architect, was evidently a man with a sense of humour. And it was obvious that the nuisance that MMM had complained about earlier in this tract existed even during that master designer’s time. What else could be the meaning of this particular carving given the figurine’s manner of sitting, the satisfied smile and, above all, what lies below?

Policing real estate?

The Man from Madras Musings saw this at a fairly upmarket neighbourhood and could not help wondering if the city’s police was being taken for a ride. Ostensibly an advertisement for seat belt usage, it reads more like a sales pitch for a private developer!

-MMM