Atishoo! (Oops!)

Cows, birds, pigs... what’s going on?

It’s like something out of a Hitchcock movie, where denizens of the animal kingdom decide to hit back at the human race.

Not everyone thinks we’re being fair, though.

"With mad cow disease, bird flu and swine flu all over the place, I have decided to keep only cats and dogs on my farm!"

Some of the more outspoken porcine planet sharers are distinctly aggressive, talking loudly about “Influenza viruses A and C” and protesting against terms like ‘Zoonotic’ which, they say, “hurt their sentiments”. (These guys learn quickly from their human counterparts.)

But times are hard for those who choose to travel.

You now need to come from (or go to) a place where no one has coughed or sneezed for a while now.

Which, in our dusty little world, is a bit difficult.

The chronically allergy-ridden are a particularly harassed lot. Their faces have expanded to three times their original size thanks to holding in the sneezes, especially when authorities are around, peering suspiciously at every passenger.

Even those with ordinary colds have become nervous and trembly.

Is there a gizmo that immediately categorises the chills/sneeze/fever aspects, so you don’t get taken away and questioned?

Only solution – stay put, and hope everyone around you stays healthy.

(And, before our soap-boxers coming leaping to their feet – no one is trivialising a serious situation; and no animals were hurt during the writing of this column.)