Found on the net, this
article was written by a
visiting expert from
Baan, Netherlands,
who spent two years in
Hyderabad.
For the benefit of every Tom,
Dick and Harry visiting
India and daring to drive on
Indian roads, I offer a few hints
for survival. They are applicable
to every place in India
except Bihar, where life outside
a vehicle is only marginally
safer.
(Indian 'road rules' broadly
operate within the domain of
'Karma' where you do your
'best' and leave the 'rest' to
your insurance company.)
The hints are as follows:
Do we drive on the left or
right of the road?
The answer is "both". Basically
you start on the left of the
road, unless it is occupied. In
that case, go to the right, unless
that is also occupied. Then
proceed by occupying the next
available gap, as in chess. Just
trust your instincts, ascertain
the direction, and proceed. Adherence to road rules leads
to much misery and occasional
fatality.
Most drivers don't drive, but
just aim their vehicles in the intended
direction. (Don't you
get discouraged or underestimate
yourself. The other drivers
are not in any better position
either!)
Don't stop at pedestrian
crossings just because some fool
wants to cross the road. You
may do so only if you
enjoy being bumped in the
back. Pedestrians have been
strictly instructed to cross only
when traffic is moving slowly or
has come to a dead stop because
some minister is in town.
Still, some idiot may try to wade
across but, then, let us not talk
ill of the dead.
Blowing your horn is not a
sign of protest or bad manners,
as in some countries. We horn
to express joy, resentment, frustration,
romance and bare lust
(two brisk blasts), or just to
mobilise a dozing cow in the
middle of the bazaar.
Keep informative books in
the glove compartment. You
may read them during traffic
jams, while awaiting the Chief
Minister's motorcade or the
rainwaters to recede.
Occasionally you might see
what looks like an UFO with
blinking coloured lights and
weird sounds emanating from
within. This is an illuminated
bus, full of happy pilgrims singing
bhajans. These pilgrims go at
breakneck speed, seeking
contact with the Almighty,
and often meeting with success.
Autorickshaw (Baby
Taxi): The result of a collision
between a rickshaw and an automobile,
this three-wheeled
vehicle works on an external
combustion engine that runs on
a mixture of kerosene oil and
reosote. This triangular vehicle
carries iron rods, gas cylinders
or passengers three times its
weight and dimension, at an
unspecified fare. After careful
geometric calculations, children
are folded and packed into
these autorickshaws until some
children in the periphery are
not in contact with the vehicle
at all. Then, their school bags
are pushed into the microscopic
gaps all round, so that those minor
collisions with other
vehicles on the road cause no
permanent damage.
Of course, the peripheral
children are charged half the
fare and also learn Newton's
laws of motion en route to
school. Autorickshaw drivers
follow the road rules depicted in
the film Ben Hur, and are licensed
to irritate.
Mopeds: The moped looks
like an oil tin on wheels and
makes a noise like an electric
shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon
of petrol and travels at
break-bottom speed. As the
sides of the road are too
rough for a ride, the moped
drivers tend to drive in the
middle of the road; they would
rather drive under heavier
vehicles instead of around
them and are often "mopped"
off the tarmac.
Leaning Tower of
Passes(??): Most bus passengers
are given free passes
and during rush hours there is
absolute mayhem. There are
passengers hanging off other
passengers, who in turn hang off
the railings and the overloaded
bus leans dangerously, defying
laws of gravity but obeying laws
of surface tension. As drivers
get paid for overload (so many
rupees per kg of passenger), no
questions are ever asked. Steer
clear of these buses by a width
of three passengers.
One-way street: These
boards are put up by traffic
people to add some humour in
their otherwise drab lives. Don't
stick to the literal meaning and
proceed in one direction. In
metaphysical terms, it means
that you cannot proceed in two
directions at once. So drive, as
you like, in reverse throughout,
if you are the fussy type. Lest I
should sound hypercritical; I
must add a positive point too.
Rash and fast driving in residential
areas has been prevented by
providing 'speed breakers'; two
for each house. This mound,
incidentally, covers the water
and drainage pipes for
that residence and is left
untarred for easy identification
by the Corporation authorities,
should they want to recover the
pipe for year-end accounting.
Night driving on Indian
roads can be an exhilarating experience
(for those with the
mental make-up of Ghenghis
Khan).
In a way, it is like playing
Russian roulette, because you
do not know who amongst
the drivers is 'loaded'. What
looks like premature dawn on
the horizon turns out to be a
truck attempting to break a
speed record. On encountering
it, just pull partly into the field
adjoining the road until the
'phenomenon' passes. Our
roads do not have shoulders,
only occasional boulders.
Do not blink your lights expecting
reciprocation. The only
'dim thing' in the truck is the
driver, and with the peg of illicit
arrack (alcohol) he has had at
the last stop, his total cerebral
functions add up to little more
than a naught. Truck drivers
are the James Bonds of
India, and are licensed to kill.
Often you may encounter a
single powerful beam of light
about six feet above the ground.
This is not a super motorbike,
but a truck approaching you
with a single light on, usually
the left one. It could be the right
one, but never get too close to
investigate. You may prove your
point posthumously. Of course,
all this occurs at night, on the
trunk roads/highways. During
daytime, the trucks are more
visible, except that the drivers
will never show any signal. (You
must watch for the absent signals;
they are the greater
threats).
You will often observe that
the cleaner who sits next to the
driver will project his hand and
wave hysterically. [This is definitely
not to be construed as a
signal for a left turn. The waving
is just a statement of physical
relief on a hot day.]
If, after all this, you still want
to drive in India, take your
driving lessons between 8 pm
and 8 am – when the police
have gone home and the citizen
is then free to enjoy the
'FREEDOM OF SPEED' enshrined
in our Constitution.
Having said all this, isn't it
amazing that the accident rates
and related deaths are less in
India compared to US or other
countries????
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