Interpreting the marriage vows

The Man from Madras Musings, as his regular readers know by now, is a ­reluctant guest at marriages. But there are weddings of close ones that MMM sits back and enjoys and he has just returned from one such. Everything went like clockwork, the hospitality was princely, and as for the browsing and sluicing, it was as mother made it. Above all, the priest was not given a mike to intone chants into and advise the audience on how to behave. That itself made this an event to remember. More memorable was a booklet on Hindu weddings that the ­caterer circulated. Hardly ­anyone bothered to read it, but not so MMM. He made a careful perusal of the work during the ceremony and those around him were not a little ­astonished at the periodic ­guffaws of laughter that he let out.

The slim volume, titled South Indian Wedding, The Rituals and The Rationale, ­assumed that Tambrahm ­weddings were the only ones in South India (the rest of them presumably live in sin?), for it focussed solely on that variety. Halfway through, the author must have realised that he had left the others out and so he included a justification that “mostly this is applicable to any other Hindu section.”

The book claiming to unravel the Vedic significance of weddings, started out by saying that the bridegroom needs to be brought to the marriage venue in a decorated car. Of course, our sages being such farsighted men would have no doubt stipulated a car, though MMM wonders at their not specifying a brand and model as well.

MMM realises that the Chief has rather strong views on how a book review has to be written. The critic ought not to impose his views, is the Chief’s motto and what is good for the Chief is good for MMM. And so MMM will now restrict himself to direct quotes from this learned text. But where he cannot resist himself, MMM has included a few comments in parentheses.

– What a “Ritual” is?

– This ritual invokes the blessings of the eight-direction-quartered guardian angels (Rather spread out aren’t they? Must be Yoga)

– Holding the bride’s left foot toe (She must be a strange creature to have toes elsewhere)

– The bride then is given an auspicious ablution (Ye Gods!)

– The bride and the groom are lifted to the shoulders of their respective uncles and in that position the two – bride and groom – garland each other.

– Then the marrying couple is seated on a swing where they rock forth and back (Rather erotic that, but nothing compared to what comes next)

– I shall be the Upper World, you the Earth, together we shall beget children (Frank and forthright as you can see. No birds, bees, etc).

– The Mantra says – “Let thy mind be rock firm.”

MMM was very thankful for the book. It helped him pass the time between wedding breakfast and lunch. And, it also helped him avoid countless relatives whose names he did not remember.

Who art thou?

It was still early morning and The Man from Madras Musings was not yet his bright self, all set for another day with the Chief. The doorbell rang and having rung, kept on ringing, rather as though the moving finger from Belshazzar’s feast had called on MMM. On opening the door MMM saw three men who, it transpired, were not Magi but who were laden, not with rich gifts, but with an open register. They beamed on MMM. The two men on either side were evidently juniors in official stature to the man in the middle, for they held the two ends of the register and shuffled the pages while the man in the centre merely looked on. It being quite a tricky business to hold on to the book and simultaneously shuffle the pages, the duo at the extreme ends proceeded to lift one leg each and balance the book on the same even as they busily perused the pages. Offers of chairs by MMM were curtly refused.

The man in the middle broke the ice by declaring that the team was from the local office of the Corporation and were there to verify if MMM and family were registered voters. MMM offered to fetch the voter identity cards, but that suggestion was airily waved away. All details, declared the official, were in the good book he was carrying. It struck MMM as somewhat unfair that the man thought he was lugging the register around when in reality his assistants were doing it and that too on one leg each. At long last, the trio ­arrived at the page in question and then the man in the middle (should MMM refer to him as MIM?), beamed at MMM and asked MMM if he (MMM) was Soundarapandi Nadar.

MMM had to say ‘no’. Whereupon MIM was deeply offended. It almost appeared as though he was going to ­accuse MMM of masquerading under a false name. How, he asked, could MMM not be Soundara­pandi Nadar when the register declared him to be so? MMM was nonplussed. But that was not all. MIM now demanded that MMM ­produce Gangu Bai and Dhana­shekar, none of whom MMM had any clue about. When MMM said so, a deep discussion in hushed whispers went on among the three. It ­appeared that MIM was of the view that MMM was some kind of a serial killer who, ­having done away with Soundara­pandi Nadar, Gangu Bai and Dhanashekar, had usurped their place of stay.

MMM, thinking quickly on his feet, wondered if he should wake up his good lady (also known as She Who Must Be Obeyed) and get her to pretend she was Gangu Bai, but as for the absent Dhanashekar there was little he could do. Then a thought struck him. He made bold to ask if the electoral register was as per the new or old house numbers. It transpired that the touring election commission at MMM’s doorstep had mixed up the two. A hurried shuffling of pages ensued and sure enough there was MMM’s name like that of Abou Ben Adam, followed by that of Good Lady (aka SWMBO). All was well. MIM’s assistants put down their bent legs and were then advised by MIM to be more careful in future about new and old numbers. The trio departed, presumably in search of Soundarapandi Nadar, after giving MMM voter slips and a stern warning to go and vote on D-Day.

Tailpiece

Apropos last fortnight’s lament by The Man from Madras Musings that his car had not been searched by the police for cash, MMM is glad to report that amends were made, while MMM was in the Perambur area. He can now hold his head high.

– MMM