On our speedings VCs...

‘Vice Chancellor’ read the lettering on the large number plate of a car that narrowly missed colliding with The Man from Madras Musings’ car and many others that had lined up in an orderly fashion (or as orderly as you can get in Chennai traffic) waiting for the red light to change to green. As to which University this personage was headed – or was heading from – in his chariot of fire, MMM could not fathom. But the VC’s chauffeur, it was ­obvious, considered himself and his vehicle to be above law.

Just in case some nearsighted humble mortals on the road did not see the large plaque, there was also a red revolving light on top of the car. The only elements that the vehicle lacked were the outriders and the wailing siren.

The policeman on duty at the junction sprang to life and attention and jumped about like one possessed. These days, when the presence of a mere “G” on the number plate is enough to clear all roads, can you imagine the impact such plates and red lights have? Being unable to get the traffic signal to switch to green, the policeman dashed to the middle of the road and ordered all the vehicles proceeding in the opposite direction to stop. He then waved the VC’s car through, all the while saluting like an automaton. To MMM, the policeman’s multitasking brought to mind the tales of all-powerful Gods with many hands that his grandmother (MMM’s, and not the police­man’s) had told him about when he was a mere child (and a very attractive one at that, at least according to MMM’s mother). If only all our policemen were as efficient and reacted as quickly, Chennai would have been a better place altogether.

As for the VC, MMM doubts if ‘His Highness’ noticed all that happened in his wake, but the aftershocks were felt for long. For one, several vehicles tried to jump the signal by trailing the VC’s car. Those who were coming in the opposite direction were irritated at having to stop and so made up for lost time by racing ahead. The signal decided to help things along by changing just then and, therefore, those who had raced ahead had to stop while those who were waiting had to race ahead. Only they could not. Chaos reigned. And as for the policeman, he had gone back to looking like a statue erected in his honour by his admirers.

MMM, driving along after the wait, mused whether VCs were entitled to red lights and plates declaring their official status. And should a vehicle belonging to someone in charge of a University violate traffic laws with such impunity?

… & verbose VCs

It has been a fortnight of interaction with VCs as far as The Man from Madras Musings is concerned. MMM was invited to attend a meeting where a Vice-Chancellor of a University was to deliver a speech on what ailed Indian education. The VC came on time, he was introduced in lyrical passages filled with panegyrics, and the topic of his speech was announced in a clear, stentorian voice. The VC then stood up to speak.

The first five minutes were spent on thanking the organisers. Then ten minutes were spent praising a prominent attendee. Ten more minutes were spent on the greatness of music as a soothing element, though what brought on this train of thought was beyond MMM. There followed five minutes in praise of ragging and five more minutes in defence of the reservation policy. The VC then took his seat, much to the amazement of the audience. What about the topic, asked someone in a hushed whisper. To which a wag replied that the subject matter had manifested itself physically and, therefore, nothing more needed be said.

Never-ending digs

The digs that The Man from Madras Musings had written about last fortnight continue unabated. The complete absence of the rain has no doubt encouraged those in charge to order further excavations. Going about some of the roads that could be directly transported to Mohenjodaro or Harappa with no questions asked.

MMM wonders why such roadworks in Chennai have to always be so long-drawn-out and why only manual labour is used and not some of those high-powered mobile equipment that can be seen doing the same work abroad. On enquiry it transpires that there is a powerful lobby that controls road-work and these contractors wield enough influence to ensure that such repairs are always done using manual labour and most inefficiently at that.

Rather surprising that an administration that is always claiming that Chennai is being made international in class and stature should be turning a blind eye to the most obvious example of backwardness.

Touring Thorapakkam

Thorapakkam is considered to be a newly developed part of the city and The Man from Madras Musings went there with high expectations. Would there be six-lane roads, MMM wondered. What about road signs, plenty of greenery, footpaths and medians? Perhaps even proper residential and office blocks? MMM was in for a big disappointment.

The roads were more like narrow streets. There were hardly any footpaths and the roads themselves were pitted and full of potholes. There were no road signs anywhere and it was only by asking every launderer and neighbour­hood shop on the way, MMM managed to reach his destination.

As for greenery, the only sign of that colour was on MMM’s face, what with his feeling mildly seasick after being rocked about in his car as it drove over every bump and dived into every rut. MMM is surprised that our civic authorities, who all the while claim that the older parts of the city are beyond improvement owing to many years of faulty planning, are replicating the same methods of development in the newer areas also.

Tomato takes off

The Chief should not get offended on reading this. The Man from Madras Musings assures him that this is not a veiled attempt to ask for a raise, though that will be most welcome under the circumstances. MMM refers to the skyrocketing prices of vegetables, particularly the tomato which, like Abou Ben Adam, appears to lead all the rest.

MMM notices that stepping out with a bulging wallet for vegetable shopping only ends in an emaciated purse and a near-empty shopping bag with just a few purchases that can only be seen with a magnifying glass. MMM wonders if the Government, which floats bonds for oil and infrastructure, should also introduce a tomato bond. And what about getting the currency on to a Vegetable Standard, rather like the Gold Standard of yore? The legend on the rupee notes could then read “I promise to give the bearer a bag of vegetables of equal value.”

Mosquito menace

Now that the monsoons have come, rained and gone and have been pronounced a complete success, though The Man from Madras Musings does not believe the last pronouncement, they have left in their wake a flourishing brood of mosquitoes which are feeding on the citizenry. The administration has not yet woken up to them and as yet no fogging machines are in sight. As for getting the stagnant waters in the rivers to flow, that would be a really tall order. But what with the frequent power cuts, especially in the evenings, MMM really is transforming into ‘Man Mauled by Mosquitoes’.

- MMM