Knifing Madras Musings

The Man from Madras Musings is all of a twitter. By that he does not mean he is addicted to X (formerly Twitter), though why all articles quoting that social media platform have to add that piece of parenthetic information MMM fails to understand. What he means is that he is quivering like an aspen and trembling life a leaf. You see, Madras Musings, whose soul is as pure as driven snow, has received a threat. And that is why MMM is flustered, unnerved and disconcerted.

The mailbox of Madras Musings is one of those oases of peace only occasionally disturbed by the sound of incoming messages. These broadly pertain to changes of address, complaints of non-receipt of MM (we cannot help it that postmen are so fond of it that they stick to it like glue) and the sporadic comments/rejoinders on articles we publish. Every once in a while, our fans in China send us messages to cheer us up. Threats have never loomed large on our horizon. Which is why when these come, the MM rule book has no procedure to deal with them.

For sake of clarity, MMM posts the message as received –

Good Day madrasmusings,

I hope this email finds you in high spirits! I am Gabriel Quintuna with SAKUTO KNIVES. We make exceptional Damascus Kitchen Knives. We’ve admired madrasmusings, for a considerable period, and We’re always astounded by the engaging and informative content you post every time. 

To collaborate with you, we’d love to send you a first-class Damascus Chef Knife ( Priced at 199. 99) as a small token of gratitude for a deserving bac klink. Here’s a win-win proposition: We’d gladly send you a premium Damascus Chef Knife fre e of cost.

We write a meticulously curated article ( authored by our team members high-­quality content ) that has completed five A I Review tools and Previously unreleased. If it sounds interesting to you, reply with your official mailing address, and and we’ll gladly send you(madrasmusings) the knife and the content for your meaningful review. 

Best wishes,
Gabriel Quintuna

Now, Mr/Ms/Mx (God knows what is their preferred pronoun) G Quintuna seems to be a reasonable person at first reading. The good person wants to gift MM a knife of Damascus steel. What is left unsaid however is what if MM and MMM choose not to reply? Do they still get the knife then, placed strategically into the body? And since MM is not a human, will MMM run the first risk? These and other such questions rapidly ran through MMM’s mind (if you could call it that) even as he pondered over what reply to send. But then, you can never keep a good man down. A second reading revealed that this email, which had passed five AI review tools as mentioned in it, no doubt had overlooked that it was sending a message to an official email ID and was yet asking for an official email ID. And so, if MMM does not choose to reply, all is well. AI and this knife maker will be baffled.

An added point to ponder is the number of typos in the mail, which AI seems to have overlooked.

Enriching Madras Musings

In sharp (pun intended) contrast to the above missive was the other that filled the Man from Madras Musings with delight. Firstly, it impressed him no end that MM, already a hit in China, as readers of the paper and more importantly, this column are doubtless aware, has now become popular in Africa as well. And that millionaires there are wanting to park their funds with MM. Witness this email –

Good day, I was searching for a business associate in the business directory, and I came across your profile. Hope this email finds you well. I am Kelvin Slanga, a lawyer by profession; however, this correspondence is private. I am the financial consultant to an investor from a mineral-rich African country with a political background who wants to invest outside his country. My client had approached me with a mandate to seek a firm or reputable individual that could help him channel some funds into a profitable investment where he could get a good yield for his money. Due to the sensitive position he holds in his country and the unstable investment environment, my client has decided not to retain any of his assets in his country. Kindly let me know your acceptance of this offer to enable me to brief you further.

Sincerely,
Kelvin Slanga

MMM wonders as to which country it could be. A Google search on Kelvin reveals others with surnames such as Sabao, Mosha and Agbarakwe, all pillars of the legal profession in Africa but Slanga seems to be of an extremely retiring disposition. And it is very difficult to deal with such shy individuals. MMM may have to allow this attractive offer to pass. That particular line which provided an option of either a firm or a reputable individual almost swayed MMM. Why let MM walk away with the loot he opined when he, MMM, was there as a reputable individual. But then as MMM said earlier, he has opted to let it pass. Not for him a life of luxury in Lower Bartenatoland or wherever else this Kelvin Slanga is based.

MMM wonders if Slanga is in any way connected with Augusto Nandu Savimbi of Angola who at one time kept writing to MMM about a legacy of US $ 35 million that he wanted help in taking out of his country. And then there was the wife of a former dictator who was terminally ill and wanted MM’s help in transferring her assets out of her former country. MMM has often wondered as to why all these people made a beeline to this paper. He concluded that it was entirely due to its transparency, its unwavering stance and the quality of its writings. After all, merit does count.

Compared to all of these, an email requesting MMM’s help in an ongoing project on the Colonial Heritage of China seemed interesting but then it transpired that China was an autocorrect for Chennai!

– MMM