Pigeon Service
For over a fortnight now, The Man from Madras Musings has managed without an Internet connection. The service provider, whose parent company goes by the name of being reliable in everything from petrochemicals to spectacular year-long weddings, has proved to be unreliable beyond belief. The battle continues for MMM is not going to give up, but he can tell you that as far he is concerned, the connection is Just Impossibly Offline. Even if it were Just Intermittently Online, MMM would have managed, but short of lying on its back with all four legs lifted in the air, the connection has passed beyond the veil, mourned by all.
MMM can imagine the Chief, smiling down from wherever he is, remarking sagely that he had all along maintained such things are most undependable. Well, all that MMM can say is that the Chief lived in easier times and today life without data connectivity is difficult to contemplate. As a backup, MMM is considering rearing a brace of pigeons. He has decided that henceforth all the immortal prose that he types will be printed out, tied to the legs of the bird and then sent off to wherever it is meant to reach. Of course, there is no guarantee that it will reach but then the same can be said of email as well, especially if the data connectivity is poor.
For the sake of record, MMM must record the entire process of complaint and (non) resolution for it shows you how callous a so-called ‘service’ provider can be. The first step is to register a complaint with their portal, for which you need an internet connection. But that is precisely what is not working. Then how? Be of good cheer, for there is a phone number which you can call and lodge your complaint. This is answered with a pre-recorded message that says your business is important to the service provider and so can you please wait as all the agents are now busy. After what seems like an eon, someone does come along, by which time you have been made abreast with all the product offerings of this company, several times over. Anyway, you come away massaging your ear, all aglow because the complaint has been registered.
There is one silver lining in this cloud – the service technicians do turn up. But they do so at the wrong address. That is because, whoever entered your address details at the back end forgot to save the previous person’s record and so his/her address is now showing up as yours as no doubt yours is showing up as the succeeding connection’s address. Now this cannot be resolved at all – no matter how many times you provide your Aadhaar card and other such proofs. It is like the moving finger in Belshazzar’s (or was it Nebuchadnezzar, MMM always forgets) feast – it having writ, moves on and nor all your piety nor your wit will lure it back, etc., etc. So, you are fated to a lifetime of technicians calling you from a wrong address and then you having to direct them to yours.
After all this, there is no guarantee that the connectivity will endure. It invariably fails after an hour of the visit. This time you take to social media (via phone data) to lodge a complaint. A bot answers most politely but beyond that it has not been trained. It says the same thing over and over again – “Your business is important to us…” etc., etc. and you know the rest anyway.
MMM has begun to yearn for those good old days when you befriended the linesman of Madras Telephones, slipped him something and got him to fix your connection pronto, sometimes with the charges being loaded on your neighbour’s phone line.
Forwarding Fiends
These days, when anybody asks The Man from Madras Musings for his cell phone number, MMM hesitates. He then asks the person if they will send good morning greetings every day and also relentlessly forward videos on a daily basis. If there is any hesitation in saying no in response, MMM withholds the number. For his sixth sense tells him that there in person is an FF – a Forwarding Fiend.
Mind you, these days it has become increasingly difficult to spot them, so good have they become in camouflage. They hotly deny such habits and take your number and then it is too late. It begins with an occasional forward saying they know how interested MMM is in such a subject and so they thought they will send it. MMM grudgingly accepts but does not say anything more. After a couple of days comes a follow up call saying they sent a forward (haha they know how MMM hates them) and has MMM seen it (heheh despite his busy schedule that is). MMM is now caught in a bind – if he says yes, he has seen it, the next question will be oh, what did he think of it? These FFs take an almost parental pride in their forwards – in a sense they believe they have played a role in the forward’s life, by furthering its reach.
MMM has come to the conclusion that the other option, namely saying no is the best – it kills all further conversation but runs the risk of finishing off friendships for good. A better option MMM has come to realise is to reply in fake tones that somehow MMM missed that forward and so could it be sent again. This the FF is unlikely to do as how is he or she to locate that particular forward among the millions they scatter hither and thither on a daily basis? But there again, there is the risk that this will encourage the FF into sending a few more. On second thoughts, the firm No is best.
But beyond all of this there is the FA – Forwarding Addict. They have reached a state of delirium tremens where, without forwarding, they cannot rest. MMM has had to contend with a few of these as well. He has learnt of a useful option in WhatsApp where you can archive such pests. That way they think they have sent you forwards but you don’t need to see them unless you go and search in the archived section. MMM has placed his school and college Whatsapp groups in the archives. Handling one FA is possible but not 30 of them in a school group.
As a last resort, MMM blocks people. But he always sends them a polite message before doing so. He has thus far received no complaints from anyone.
– MMM