Short ‘N’ Snappy

– MMM

Madras Week is here again

It seems as though the previous edition of Madras Week just got over. The Man from Madras Musings is yet to recover from it anyway though if you ask him as to what exactly happened then, it is all a blur. And before MMM knows it, here we are again with the next MW just around the corner.

That it is imminent was made more than clear to MMM by the sudden spurt of invitations to address audiences about it. MMM has thus far consistently refused all chiefly because he is tired of parroting the same thing over and over again. The stance he has taken is that he has spoken of all that he knows, his research at present is somewhat deadlocked, and so, as and when he can think of something new he will emerge chrysalis like, and hold forth. But those who call with invites do not give up that easily or take no for an answer.

One of the recent instances was of a lady official from a hoary institution which is pan-India. MMM had addressed the local branch a few years ago and had been gifted a copyof their excellently written history. He was delighted and has remained so especially when he dips into the volume often but he does not fancy yet another copy of the same book. And so when the lady called asking if MMM would address her institution’s local office MMM said he had already done so a few years ago and so they need to look for others, and if needed he was more than willing to supply a list of speakers.

“But sir, that was more than six years ago and since then many officers have been transferred. The new lot will be eager to listen to you and those that are from the older lot will not remember anything anyway. Your speeches are like that sir.”

MMM did not know what to make of that. But he gave his usual spiel of why he does not want to accept any speaking assignments. The lady thought for a while and then came up with a bright idea –

“Sir, why don’t you speak about the history of our institution? About the various locations where it had its offices in the city and about its overall impact on society, its significant incidents, of people who…”

MMM could have sworn that she was reading out of the index of her institution’s history book. He said as much – that what she was looking for was a complete retelling of the history of her organisation. That needed time and what was more, there was an excellent book of which no doubt she was aware.

“Who reads books except you sir? Which is why I feel that it is an ideal topic. And as for time, you have a month, don’t you? Why don’t you read our book and present on it for the benefit of our staff?”

MMM privately completed that question by adding “and getting one more copy of the book as reward for your efforts?” to it. He was however not for rising to this bait. Having politely made his excuses, MMM hung up.

The Overseas Brigade

This is that time of the year when many of our city people go abroad to spend time with their children and more importantly, grandchildren. And some of them, no doubt stuck in some suburb with very little to do in foreign shores, become writers. Most inflict themselves on WhatsApp groups but a few think that The Man from Madras Musings is a better recipient. They serenade him via email, WhatsApp and diverse other messenger services with long, patently boring, and poorly written, tracts. Most end with a request and sometimes even a peremptory order that these could be published in Madras Musings.

MMM does not oblige most of these cases. But two in recent times have impressed him sufficiently enough with their persistence and also tone, to merit being mentioned in these fortnightly despatches of MMM’s. The first is a person who in an introduction, which he sends in every email, describes himself as an expert in everything, from aardvark to Zulus. He then writes about food in Japan, walking in Mexico and skiing in the Alps and signs off with – a writer based in Madras as though that would qualify him to be published in MM. Sadly for him, such topics do not interest ye olde fortnightly.

The second took MMM a while to fathom as to what it was all about. It transpired on repeated reading to be about one of those men who having gone abroad discovers civilisation and how it is completely absent in the hometown, namely Madras that is Chennai. The message is worthy of reproduction in full –

“My self & my wife now in XYZ USA in my daughter’s house. The small baby after delivery to be taken by a starawler in a car from hospital. Without the strawler in the car, the delivered girl & baby will not be permitted to move.

The strawler to be fixed and it should be verify and certified by the fire service dept I have enclosed the details from the brochure given by the fire service dept. They are doing it free service. Recently my daughter, granddaughter aged 18 months old and myself gone to the fire service dept after fixing an appointment to verify the strawler position. The staff immediately verified and told all ok., but he told me to change the starawlwr as the height of my granddaughter is increased.

Is there any chance in India, like this? While traveling in car all the 4 persons they have to tie seat belt, even if one is not tied, car will not run .”

MMM did not reply. However as we all know, cars do have safety belts for all seats in India as well. It is a different matter as to whether most people remember to wear them. MMM however is not aware of any variety of car which does not run if passengers ‘are not tied in place’. It smacks of bondage and such other things we need not go into. As for the strawler/starawlwr/starawler, MMM realised after quite a while that it meant a stroller. MMM wonders if the person who sent the email is that law abiding in India.

Tailpiece

The Man from Madras Musings is feeling grateful. The June that has just gone by and the July that is in progress seem to be the coolest in living memory in this city of ours. It is on the other hand quite normal to be roasted during this month. MMM realises it is quite a few epochs away from the snowfall he has hopes of in Chennai but every step is that much closer to that eventual goal.

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